Evie TV!

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silly

Current Music: "Bring It on Home to Me" by Sam Cooke with Lou Rawls

Fri, Aug. 26th, 2005, 04:11 pm
Henchwoman Em, Jonathan's Back, and Jake/Cass

Henchwoman Em, Jonathan's Back, and Jake/Cass

When The Jason briefly had a chokehold on Allegra last week, I imagined him saying, “Let me out of this storyline, or else!” I understand that ABC wants to capitalize on this dance thing. Fine. But here’s an idea: Bring back the Nurse’s Ball to nod its importance in the show’s history, and so people like me who never saw it have a chance to; then, have Sam/Allie/Tess/Livvie dance in relation to that, if we simply must see it at all. Why create this bogus story just to have her dance for a few minutes? Is it really worth all the money spent and all those precious, precious minutes of our lives that we, the viewers, will never get back?

So, it sucks to be Carly, huh? The end of the Alcazarly marriage should make me happy, but instead it leaves me angry at Alkie. He knew what he was getting into when he married her, but he ignored it. But that’s not the worst part – the worst part is that this bitterness has turned him from the presumably gentle person they tried to convince us he was, to someone that promptly arranges a hit in a public place where any number of people could have been killed, including his son, whom he purports to want to protect.

And that’s another thing – Alkie said he wanted to protect his son but not only invites Diego into the family business the moment he has decided on a return to violent methods, but actually leaves it up to Diego himself, a minor, to determine whether or not he wants to be involved in the business because of the potential danger. Way to parent, Alkie. I also thought it was ironic that neither Sonny or Alcazar, has been particularly nice to Carly of late, and yet they are still standing on the docks accusingly arguing over who has mistreated Carly more.

Although Sonny seemed to make up for it slightly yesterday, Sonny, honey, before you start lecturing on karma, I suggest that you look up the meaning of the word: “What you put out comes back to you multiplied.” Ergo, you are in an sh*tload of trouble, aren't you now? So, Michael asks, “Why do I have to forgive and you don’t?” and this hits home with Sonny, as it should. That would be thrilling if he had gone to anyone other than Reese after that revelation. Out of all the people in PC he could forgive, he chooses Reese to start with?

Wouldn’t it be funny if, now that The Jason’s memory problems are surfacing, Sonny fired him and replaced him with Emily? She’d be perfect to work for Sonny because she is every bit as much a hypocrite as he is. Emily - stop! Stop -oh the laughter -oh the pain - oh the pain of the laughter! Lecturing on the sanctity of marriage and calling empty-headed Courtney a homewrecker! Girl, I didn't know you were trying for a stand up career. It might work.

Em, did you happen to care that you were married to my poor, misguided Zander when you took up with Nikolas? Who has the answer to that? Anyone? Anyone? I do! I do! The answer would be, “No, Emily, did not think about Zander at any time between her marriage to Zander and her taking up with Nikolas, nor at any time since then has she thought of anyone but herself.” To once again paraphrase my favorite Dr. Evil quote, “Talk to the hand, ‘cause the face don't wanna hear it anymore…Snap Snap, Girlfriend…umm hmm.”

Courtney, I have some choice words for you too, ya freakin whiner: You chose not to tell anybody but Nikolas about your feelings on the surrogacy. You chose the surrogacy in the first place. I saw no guns being held to your head nor did I see anything but your own empty blond head to stop you from discussing the situation with Jax. And, as much as I detest him, he isn’t the one that focused only on having a baby – it was you, and your “Oh (sigh, hair toss) I wish I could give you a baby,” thing. I’ll stop there lest a rumor be started that I would defend Jax – shudder. If you weren’t going to talk to Jax, cause you know, who would want to – at least you could have talked to Elizabeth, who would have understood and who would have included you in the pregnancy.

And then you act more teenagery than the actual teenagers that are on the show by losing control with Nikolas repeatedly; and do you blame yourself? Noooo. You blame Elizabeth because she happened to see you. And then, out of concern for her friends Em and Nik, she shared the info. Elizabeth was acting out of concern; you were just acting out. But the blame just keeps on going! Let’s blame Nikolas! Let’s blame Emily! Let’s blame Elizabeth! Let’s blame Lucky! Anyone but yourself, huh?

And Nik – for shame, for shame! If you keep whining about what a terrible thing it is that you’ve done, then why don’t you stop doing it? Although, at least you're not gallivanting about Port Charles blaming everybody else for your unhappiness. At least you have the grace to say, “What have we done?” and acknowledge that even the child Elizabeth is carrying will be affected by the fallout of whatever the hell is happening with you and Courtney.

By the way, Nik, I hate to tell you this, but next time you tell someone that you and Courtney didn't sleep together, please remember that dry humping and sleeping together are only a fabric's width apart, so the two of you are not so innocent. But, I did love that line to Sonny about keeping zipped up. Ouch! That one hurt! Sonny's bleeding!

When people said there would be an inevitable custody fight, I didn't see it coming this way. If Jax and Courtney really do divorce, and Elizabeth and Lucky marry, I say, YEAH! Take 'em, Spencers. I do, however, have one question: If the reason Elizabeth wanted to be the surrogate was to get money to help Lucky, what are they going to do to get the money for lawyers? Is Lucky going to finally take my advice and ask his father or Nik for money?

Now let’s go to Pine Valley, where we have the second of two major plot points based on a freakin reality show. How can this end well for Kelly Giddish’s character? I didn’t watch (nor will I ever) the Soap Star show. The only reality show I like is The Surreal Life, because where else can you see Emanuel Lewis dancing while Hammer raps? But, surprisingly, I like Alec Musser. I didn’t think I would care about this “new” character and I still maintain it is a supremely bad idea to base a storyline or recast on who wins a contest, but I like Alec as Del.

I never saw Del the first time around. I heard something about him leaving town with Kendall back in the day, and I didn’t even know he was Dixie’s brother. Unfortunately for AMC, while charming me with the character of Del, they have effectively terminated my interest in Di. I knew this wasn’t going to end well for the character. I wish they had just gone on letting me believe she was Dixie. I liked her as Dixie, but now that I know she’s someone just trying to steal Dixie’s life, and is not doing it out of concern for Dixie’s family but apparent concern for herself, why would I want to root for her?

OK, OK, I admit it. I’m a frickin hypocrite, just call me Sonny. Well, I’m a girl, so I’ll have to be Emily (shudder again). I complain about characters I don’t care about, such as AMC’s Ryan, and then I do happy dances of blissful joy upon the return of my Jonathan. Jonathan has shown himself to be way more psycho then issue laden Ryan is, and yet I like him – I never told him to go away, as I told Ryan. Why is that? Is it the character? Is it the writing? Nah! It’s because Jeff Branson is all that and a bag of chips! And I like to look at him. And that voice, it just draws you in. Sigh. Now that I have Zach and Jonathan on the same show again, my joy knows no bounds!

I also think that Jeff Branson has the same ability that Rick Hearst has, and that is to take a despicable character and show why he’s doing the nasty things he’s doing by making us see the tortured child he once was. I know I sound way too deep, so I’m done now. I am well on my way to being able to watch Ryan’s scenes again! As long as he keeps that self righteous anger boy stuff quashed, I will watch Ryan’s scenes – assuming Jonathan is in them, of course.

I like Erin as a character too, especially because she talks back to Ryan, but I am having trouble getting past how much Connie Fletcher looks like Debra Messing from Will and Grace. Even though it’s wonderful to hear someone yell at Ryan without having to hear Ryan get all holier-than-thou and indignant, she is being a little ridiculous. I mean, the childhood desertion thing – you got him there, Erin. But it’s not really his fault that Jonathan went nutsy, and at the time Ryan shot him, he was trying to set off a bomb.

I’m very grateful, so far anyway, that AMC’s version of surrogacy is more realistic and sensitive than GH’s, as shown by Dr. Madden explaining in detail what would be involved. So, anybody think this will end well? I’ll tell you what else, I don’t like Julia. I tried. I’ll keep trying, but frankly I don’t expect a turnaround. Of course, I’ll keep you posted. She seems every bit as self righteous and unthinking as Maria was in her last days before she gave up and moved to CA. But as long as we’re involving Zach in Julia’s storyline, then I will continue to watch. What the hell, huh?

It would just be so much easier for me if they would just keep all the unlikable or barely likeable characters together. Why can’t Jamie be off helping Julia, and Zach go talk to Brooke? Krystle can sit in that room with Babe and make plans forever, and I can watch scenes where Adam and David bicker. I am a scosh behind on episodes, but I understand that I have yet another angry Jamie posturing scene to look forward to. Oh, goody.

I hope those of you that are ATWT fans are enjoying my Cass Winthrop. As much as I am appreciative that ATWT is using one of my favorite AW characters, I will never forgive them for killing off Jake McKinnon. I’m sorry, but Jake was not there’s to kill off! And neither was Vicky, for that matter. I understand the way they wrote out Vicky, but don’t think any Jake and Vicky fans who had watched them blissfully ride into the sunset on AW’s last episode (figuratively speaking) were at all thrilled when it was announced that the character of Vicky was disposed of.

I let that slide, because Jake was allowed to go forward. Besides Jensen Buchanan, Vicky at the time, moved to Port Charles and became Melissa. But when Tom Eplin, who played Jake from 1985 when he swept into Bay City with Vicky and Bridget, left the role of Jake, it is my understanding that he had tired of acting; understandable, despite the great disappointment to all of his fans of not being able to see him anymore (unless they have Soap Net).

So, could ATWT have recast? Would the same people who are complaining that they killed Jake off (me) be satisfied if the character of Jake had been recast? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions? Who knows? I am not sure that if Jake McKinnon had been recast, I wouldn’t have said, “Are you kidding? He’s not the real Jake. I miss Tom Eplin! How dare they recast!” So maybe there was no way to win there.

My advice to soap writers the world over simply is that they simply have to come up with more creative solutions than killing people off. I’m sorry, soap writers, but we just don’t take you seriously anymore. Almost every time someone is killed off, they come back! It’s like that fable about the boy who cried wolf – after you do it a certain amount of times, we say, “Yeah, right.”

Back to the Bay City of 1989, I loved that one scene where Jake and Vicky come to terms about accepting the past and moving forward, without actually saying much. Of course, Jake looked down, unable to look at his friend that he’d behaved so hatefully towards, and said, quietly, that he missed their friendship. Vicky didn’t say much, but indicated that though she missed him as well, they were not able to go back because too much had happened, and they both had to accept that Marley was no longer in their lives (if only, if only…).

If Jake and Vicky were my favorite non-couple, until they became a couple in the late ‘90’s, my other favorite non-couple were Cass and Felicia (and Wally, when they were the Three Musketeers before his death). Cass was never with anyone that I didn’t like him with, except that brief time with Caroline and the last several months with Nicole. But my all time favorite Cass-mate is Frankie.

When Frankie and Cass first started interacting regularly, Frankie was new on the scene and she seemed to bring out the worst in Cass, who was dealing with both losing Nicole and the revelation that Nicole had let his best friend Felicia go to jail for the murder of Jason Frame, which Nicole herself had committed. Frankie seemed to bring out the worst in him. Eventually, around the time they changed the character of Frankie from the over-the-top version of herself to her real self, Cass started to grow fond of her, about which, I believe, he is currently in denial.

That’s it for me this week. I’ll end with a wonderful quote I found when I was putting off doing work at my day job and playing around on the Internet. It’s a quote by Joel Hodgson, who created my oft-mentioned favorite show Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I happened upon it on the IMDb:

“Sometimes I go into my own little world ... but that's okay, they know me there.”

Have a great week!

Current Mood:

happy

Current Music: "Bring It On Home To Me," Sam Cooke with Lou Rawls

Mon, Aug. 15th, 2005, 10:21 pm
Rewriting Rewrites, Ignoring Laverys, Explaining Corys

Rewriting Rewrites, Ignoring Laverys, and Explaining Corys

So, do the writers at GH, like, communicate with each other? Or do they just film a bunch of scenes and let continuity sort it all out? Let’s amend our notes from last week, class…we learned that The Jason was pronounced a possible vegetable because of the potential brain damage of The Accident; but now we’re saying that the “brain damage” that The Jason sustained can be blamed solely on Dr. Thomas for temporarily killing him, and not on the crash? So, um…which is it? Is this show trying to rewrite something it just rewrote?

Let me get some Advil and think about this some more. AJ wanted to kill The Jason out of guilt, or out of jealousy? We hear Alan say that AJ was remorseful, and yet in the flashback of AJ finishing a phone call with Dr. Thomas, Billy Warlock’s AJ clearly looked smug, and not remorseful. Is this the attempt of TIIC to undo the character assassination of AJ, or are we right in thinking they don’t care? Well, if this is what I have to be put through in order to finally see The Jason yell at Emily, maybe it’s worth it. Steve Burton, Stuart Damon, and Leslie Charleson have been wonderful acting-wise, taking into consideration the utter garbage (that’s French, for “garbage”) they have to work with.

“The people want Law & Order,” John Durant says to my Ric. Well, if they want Law & Order, they can have it, I mean, it’s on 24 hours a day, and it’s not like they’d miss anything if they skip GH! In fact, you should watch it too, John, maybe pick up some pointers. “What part of ‘I’m just trying to help you’ don’t you understand?” says frustrated father John to Carly, who might have responded, “Um… the part where you tried to have my nine year old son arrested and misled me and entrapped me and used me and lied to me?” Could that be the part?

Alkie, man, didn’t I tell you not to marry Carly? Isn’t that the first damn thing I said to you? The thing that was potentially good about Alcazar and Carly at one time was that he saw the good in her. After a while, he saw only the good in her, leaving us to be frustrated when she led him on, for she is simply not capable of returning the blind love he has for her. You all know I love Jennifer Bransford and while I accept her as Carly, I maintain that the character, prior to Tamara Braun’s departure, had established herself as being beyond certain things, such as marrying Alcazar for whatever the hell reason she married him.

What was the point in lying to Alcazar about finally knowing what was up with Reese? Didn’t he tell her when she woke up from the Hurricane Hellfest incident with Reese that he thought she was right about Reese being out to get her? And she told him not to think about that. You made a big old deal about trust, Carly, so maybe if you’d trusted him… And, damn, it sure took Carly a long time to put the Charlotte thing together in the first place, didn’t it? Didn’t the fact that Reese’s invitation said “Charlotte” clue her in? “Don’t worry,” she says to Morgan, reassuring him that evil Charlotte will not touch them. “That’s nice, Mommy,” says Morgan, “Didja want some of this here lollipop?”

The Nikolas/Courtney scenes: I just don’t know, people, I just don’t know. Courtney is such a fruit loop that this attraction out of nowhere doesn’t shock me. The only thing about Courtney this week that did shock me was her defense of Liz and Lucky to Jax. And his snarling, “You’re not the one whose pregnant,” at her before she walked out. Jax, when you make me want to tell you off in defense of Courtney you have simply pushed me too far, you self-centered, egotistical, selfish, egomaniacal, self-righteous egocentric universal jackass king! I command that you leave my TV screen immediately, never to return.

Where was I? Oh, right, the endlessly fascinating CourtNik. Is that what we’re calling them? Nikocourt? Courtlas? Nortney? Corkolas? Well, no matter, the one thing I’ll say is that it is nice to be able to watch Tyler Christopher’s scenes again. I simply could not stand watching him with Emily. They bored me to tears and I mostly fast forwarded. The only thing I like so far about Nikolas and Courtney is that despite the ridiculousness of the teenagery kissing under cover of broad daylight, it is refreshing to see a couple, however forced it may be, come together as something other than banter or outright hatred.

Hey, how about that funny scene with Emily and Elizabeth? “When did you know it was over with Jason?” Um… huh? Man did I get cramps from laughing over that one. I really needed that comic relief this week, I’ll tell you that for sure. Why ask her about The Jason? Why not ask her about the Ricster? Or, better yet, draw her on her own experience and use what it was like when she knew it was over with Zander. I guess she done forgot him. Emily is starting to make Courtney look like Bobbie, and well, that’s just sad.

Not for nothing, but were Liz and Jason really a couple? Whatever relationship they had must have been back in the day, before I started watching, because I never saw anything more than longing glances and discussion. Shoot, I had more of a relationship with my friend Peter in high school, which was a mutual but unrequited crush that never went anywhere. The fact that we never dated was a pretty big clue that our relationship was over.

I thought I’d seen every episode of Three’s Company – you know, I love my John Ritter; but I totally don’t remember the one where Alexis and Reese were at the Regal Beagle and Ric walks in thinking Alexis knows they slept together, and he almost spills the beans, but, giggle giggle, Alexis just wanted to giggle, join their law firm! “Let’s never ever tell anyone that we slept together. Hey, remember when we slept together? Hey, we slept together! We slept together! Let’s not tell anyone we slept together…” And the Alexis lawsuit? This is just another reminder that there cannot be a strong woman in daytime that doesn’t, eventually, go looney or turn completely neurotic.

Moving over to Pine Valley, Greenlee miscarries and it’s back to the blame game, huh? “You did this to me!” she said to Dr. Madden. Everything is everybody’s fault, but never hers. I think it was pretty cold of Jackson, however, to say he was relieved there would be nothing left of Ryan. I mean, but there is something odd about saying you are glad someone had a miscarriage. Easy, Jack. Save it for the courtroom, buddy.

What in the hell was up with the handheld camera thing in Ryan’s lameass dream? Was I supposed to be watching Homicide: Life on the Street? If so, where was Richard Belzer? Where was Ned Beatty? And why did Ryan’s hair grow back for his dream sequence? And what was that shaving scene supposed to be anyway? He dramatically, defiantly, angrily, and probably masochistically shaves his head. I mean, seriously, who the hell cares? “No more!” Ryan cries in response to the various images from his life, “No more!” Hey Ryan? We agree! The only good thing about Ryan is that Jonathan is coming back, but, sadly, that will necessitate me watching Ryan scenes too. Damn! Can’t win for losing, huh?

I was getting really tired of the endlessly repetitious Zach/Julia scenes until she hugged him. OK, AMC – ya got me. But now that I know she doesn’t get along with Kendall, whose side am I supposed to be on? If Julia comes between my Zach and Kendall pairing, I’ll kick her ass myself. So far, I can’t even tell if I like Julia. When she came back for Maria’s Very Special Back from the Dead Christmas Episode, despite the fact that she was wearing a disturbingly ugly sweater, she didn’t seem all that unhappy to me. And I’m sorry that she didn’t get to live her glamorous Pine Valley life, but the fact is, most people have “nothing” jobs – including lots of AMC viewers, no doubt.

And then they have to go and make Noah’s killer be connected to Philadelphia? What the hell, man? Oh, now you mention us, huh, AMC? You know, if an AMC writer would bother to hop an Amtrak train or NJ transit train or even the Chinatown bus from NY here to Philly, they might see that there is much untapped opportunity here. OLTL at least has us in their opening credits (at least they did last time I watched), but AMC can’t even be bothered to fact check, and acts as if Philadelphia is some dinky crap town 200 miles away from the “big city” of Pine Valley, when in truth “Pine Valley” is part of Philadelphia, not a separate, and certainly not a better, entity.

I really don’t understand this soap opera trend of insulting our intelligence. For example, if I may be permitted to go back to Port Charles, I’m sorry, but who in New York is wearing long sleeved shirts at this time? Yesterday, in Philly, at 8PM, it was 99 degrees. The only people wearing long sleeved shirts are people that are – well, no one because it is 99 degrees. Same thing can be said when I am looking at someone wearing a sleeveless dress with no jacket in the middle of January when it is 13 degrees!

I also did not like that “wide load” exchange between Kendall and Greenlee when she was pregnant. I have to assume that the people that are writing this stuff, unlike what we are seeing on the screen, are not a size zero. Ergo, give me a freakin break. Ya mean pregnant women gain weight? Oh horrors! So now not only are we telling the whole entire world that women must be super skinny, we’re also saying that women must feel ashamed when we are pregnant because we will gain weight. I think I speak for most

women when I say: Bite me.

So, let’s talk about the DiDixie stuff, yet another story that insults my intelligence by merely existing. I wouldn’t know Di from Dixie anyway, but even I know what is coming, and it’s not from the spoilers. I like Kelly Giddish, but this story makes me want to punch things. So now what happens? I would prefer the town go on being nice to DiDixie, but now we have to be bored through the same old “How could you” crap that we got the first time around. So not into it. And this recast/whatever from the Soap Star show? Not a good idea to create or recreate characters based on a “reality” show.

Gosh, I’m sorry gang, I’m a bit negative about AMC this week. I’ll see if I can fix it…OK, since I already talked about Zach, I have to talk about one more positive thing about AMC. Um… let me think…. I’m sure there’s something…Um…David was on! There we go. David was on. Phew. And I am really looking forward to seeing Jonathan again. I know I already said that – just trying to focus on the positive! Hey, he looked good in the dream sequence, from what I saw when the camera wasn’t spinning, that is.

Meanwhile, back in Bay City…as I told you when my Sandra Ferguson took over the role of Felicia on GH, she is/was my favorite Amanda. But darn if I didn’t forget how annoying and self righteous Amanda could be. Amanda’s hair got darker with each recast, and so did her personality. She and Vicky will be pitted against each other many times. I’m so used to seeing them fight that I forgot they were ever friends!

We forget, but we shouldn’t, that when Amanda first came “back” to Bay City, she had been SORAS’D, turning from a presumably spoiled little rich girl to an incredibly spoiled teenager. She lied and schemed so that she could work for Cory Publishing; the lying wasn’t to Mac, though, it was to everybody else at Cory so that no nepotism could be perceived. Well, it didn’t work. Sam Fowler, who you may know better as Stavros Cassidine, unfrozen caveman bad guy on GH, or even as one of the Bo’s on Days, had just come to town and got a job at Cory. As far as Sam knew, this Mandy person wasn’t Amanda Cory, but Mandy Ashton.

She had a major big crush on him and in time they started dating. Then the truth came out – she was not Mandy Ashton, but Amanda Cory. And, he dumped her. Then she found out she was pregnant, and by then Mac had found out that Sam was Mitch’s brother. Rachel knew that he was Mitch’s brother, but all involved covered it up, afraid that given Rachel’s history with Mitch, Mac wouldn’t be able to handle it. They underestimated him, of course, because even though he was angry, in time he was fine with it and had surprised even himself by forgiving Mitch. Waaahhhh!!! I miss Mac! Wahhhahhhaaa!!! Oh, sorry…

Anyway, at first, Mac was devastated when he found out that Amanda had become pregnant, because he still saw her as his baby and knew that her life had changed irrevocably. I remember a very emotional scene from the first time it aired, and was just as moving when I saw it the second time. Reeling from all these revelations, Mac is being comforted as much as possible by Rachel, who is trying her best to get him to accept Amanda’s choices. Mac cries, saying to Rachel that after all they have been through, Amanda was the one thing they shared together, and he despaired because he felt she was throwing her life away and she deserved so much better. I cried both times!

Mac being Mac, he gave all his emotional support to Amanda, and before his death their relationship was virtually problem free, with Mac devoted to Amanda, Sam, and baby Ally. Amanda knew how much faith her father had in her – and that is what is driving her to drive us nuts today while in charge of Cory Publishing. Sam is starting to see her turn into something he doesn’t like – and some of us don’t either.

Well, I’m gonna go watch Mystery Science Theater 3000, because I need to laugh. I got some great advice yesterday from my 3 year old friend Bridget, who, even though she was sick, entertained me with a one toddler vaudeville presentation complete with props and costume changes. While I was laughing at her, I said, “Why are you being so silly today?” She replied, “Because I neeeeeed to, Meevie!”

So, go be silly, pallies, because you neeeeeed to!

Current Mood: accomplished

Current Music: "This Nearly Was Mine," Frank Sinatra

Fri, Aug. 5th, 2005, 12:07 am
Implausible GH, AMC Exchanges, and Marley Rocking

Implausible GH, AMC Exchanges, and Marley Rocking

You can justify anything if you try hard enough. Why, just ask soap writers! I’m sure there all very nice people (making fun of fictional characters is OK but I hesitate to complain about actual people), but who is it that I can blame for silly rewrites that are so bad that they make the item being re-written look positively brilliant? Or for creating new characters for the sole purpose of meshing with other characters we barely like anyway (I’m talking to you, AMC). In the interest of understanding the impossible, I’ve compiled all my notes, and I now present to you my summation of what GH wants me, Jane Average Soap Viewer, to think, in chronological order:

§ First, I'm to think that AJ is killed by a vapid idiot (at the time – she got more likeable later, naturally, before she was iced) who killed him to blackmail another vapid blonde to kill Dr. Insensitivity, Steven “Don’t Call Me Lars” Webber.

§ Then, I'm to think that precocious redhead Michael is dead, killed by Evil Mobstress Faith. Harsh! Yet, plausible. Hey, did we ever figure out who killed Faith? Was it AJ? Didn’t we see John give the order? Oh please let this all be a dream…

§ Then, I'm to think that sexy and slightly crazed AJ faked his death so that he could kidnap aforementioned precocious redheaded son. Whoa. Again, harsh, yet sadly plausible. I mean they had already made AJ beyond redemption, so why not?

§ Then, I'm to think that AJ is smothered to death with a pillow. By a nine year old. Creepy, yet possible, given the nine year old’s, um, “heritage.”

§ Then I'm supposed to believe that the therapist that the Mob Board of Appearances thinks is OK for Michael to see just so happens to be someone that is “connected” to The Jason and “the accident.” Except that he wasn’t, you know, in real life. I mean in real soap life. I think.

§ After gallivanting around that plot point, I am then asked to believe that The Jason is having a “flashback” from when he woke up after the accident, and that Monica, whose hair looks strangely like it does in modern times, came in and greeted him as if he had just woken up from a nap, rather than an accident induced comatose state. The first of poorly orchestrated last minute rewrite plot “twists.”

§ Further, I'm supposed to think that AJ, who if I’m not mistaken clearly looked like Sean Kanan at the time of the accident, was magically transformed by our friend the “flashback” to an AJ that looked more like Billy Warlock. Or is it just me?

§ Then, I'm to believe that AJ hated The Jason so much, before he even became “The Jason” and was merely Jason Quartermaine, that he would want to “plot” to “kill” him with Dr. Thomas.

§ Then, I am asked to further believe that Dr. Thomas murdered AJ to prevent his role in the potential elimination of Jason from being revealed (and there’s some crap about Alan and a brick too - guess the attic was too full...)

§ Finally, I am to believe that Dr. Thomas would frame a nine year old for this crime, and to further cover up his cover-up that covered up his covered up cover-up, he killed Rachel. Then drugged the whole entire town into buying that bogus crap.

It is more plausible that Michael snapped and smothered AJ than the crap they are attempting to sell me (cause I ain’t buyin’). And I would have found the whole Jodie thing more interesting if she was a ghost rather than a figment of Michael’s damaged mind; maybe the ghost of someone also killed by Dr. Thomas – for apparently, there is quite a long list. And gee, I can’t imagine what will happen to Dr. Thomas...

So, can someone clue me in? Is Reese a psychopathic witch hell-bent on harboring revenge fantasies on Carly for “stealing” her life, or is she a loving and giving caregiver that wants to help mankind while simultaneously being in bed with the Mob? Just make up your minds, people (the writers, not you guys). I think the scene that made me hate Reese was the one in which she said to Carly something about being a whore, and then said, “…must be genetic.” Carly, you have yet smack her hard enough, for that comment alone. That was just nasty, especially considering that at the time the double crossing wench was defending Carly’s mama.

I like the Reese/Ric partnership (assuming I continue to be able to stand Reese, that is…). I’m thrilled that Ric is no longer the DA. I mean, being reformed and all, he can’t be the DA. He’s not evil anymore, and the DA must be evil, it’s a Port Charles law! I also think they are doing better with making the character nice rather than a total pushover. I really liked the kinda sorta brother moment that he had with Sonny. I’m behind episode wise, but I think what I need now to make Ric officially redeemed is a scene with Carly in which he apologizes dramatically and begs her forgiveness for what he did to her. Would she forgive him, or mouth off? Probably both.

Moving on, in one of my older columns, I proposed working out a character exchange program; I believe at that time I was talking about GH and proposing getting rid of Courtney for more AJ. Imagine that. I now propose we immediately institute this program in our Pine Valley wing of soapdom. The vibe there lately has been nothing short of tortuous. The exchange program may be set up this way – walk with me:

For every Babe scene, we get four David scenes.

For every Jamie scene, we get four Brook scenes.

For every Amanda scene, we get three Myrtle scenes.

For every (what’s her name again? Oh….) Krystle scene, we get five Adam scenes.

Of course, rather than exchanges, we could also just say that once Babe, Jamie, Amanda, and Whatsherface appear, we don’t have to see them for approximately 50 episodes. That would work, wouldn’t it?

Generally I try not to speak of Amanda, but speaking of Amanda, she might want to check out a1988 movie with Loni Anderson and Patrick Duffy, I believe it’s called Too Good to Be True.. Loni’s character, a manipulator, takes an overdose to appear the victim and tells her sister to call for help. Her sister thinks she’s faking, and doesn’t call for help. Loni’s character dies. Obviously, Amanda doesn’t watch Lifetime. I hate this storyline. I have dignified it too much already. I shall now resume ignoring it.

Now that she has finally shut up, I am sort of feeling sorry for Greenlee. But not so sorry for her as to wish Ryan would come back. Let’s not go crazy now. Ryan is faking his death so that he can avoid dealing with his emotions, and he calls Zach a control freak? Ryan, for the love of God and all that is holy, why are you still here, and if you must be here, why do you insist on talking? Shut your piehole and be gone with you! Let Zach talk. I love you, Zach! Now hurry up and get to Kendall so that I can have my dream couple.

I must concur with my fellow and sister EOS columnists: Lily is beyond one-note and a drastic change is in order. What could have been a charming love story between childlike Lily and stupid Sam was forced. I don’t want to see them practice touching, ever again. If I do, I may need to hurl. I hate it so much that I am reduced to writing about “hurling.” Oh thank you, AMC, you have validated me as a writer! The character of Lily has become like a neighborhood child that you meet and find adorable and charming, and then, upon observing her long enough, you realize she is not only a brat, but an especially annoying brat. Change it back.

We simply need more Reggie. And less Dani. I don’t care what Josh wants. He has a sexy voice and all but his storyline is boooring. And so is Dr. Madden’s, no disrespect intended for Ian Buchanan fans. My favorite role of his is that of Ian McFyfer, on It’s Garry Shandling’s Show. Anyone remember that? “This is the theme to Garry’s show, the theme to Garry’s show, Garry called me up and asked if I would write his theme song, I’m almost halfway finished, how do you like it so far…” Oh… sorry, guys… Before I get back to the soaps, that show was created by Alan Zweibel who wrote an excellent biographical play about Gilda Radner, called Bunny Bunny. Get it, it’s incredible.

I don’t know what to say about this bank robbery thing. I liked Adam trying to get the gun away from the guy who had the gun on Tad. I found that touching – don’t ask me why. I just love my Adam. Who do I need to sleep with to get him away from Krystle? I’ll do it too, for us. Just don’t tell my boyfriend, he may not support my endeavor in the name of Adam fans. Note from Evie: The preceding sentence was not written by me – I would never sleep with anyone to get my way. My evil twin, Edie, wrote that.

Good twins and bad twins, that takes me right to what I wanted to talk about in Bay City tonight. I had a first – I saw a scene that made me like Marley. I know – I can’t believe it either. Bland, boring, bitchy Marley put it in perspective and read Jake the rules, didn’t she? I don’t think I liked Marley beyond Ellen Wheeler’s Marley. Once Anne Heche took over Vicky/Marley, it seemed to me that Vicky emerged as the dominant twin.

Anybody ever read the Sweet Valley High series? Oh come on – you know you did. And you liked Jessica better than Liz, right? Because Liz was good and kind and true and always did the right thing to the bitter, stick-in-the-mud end, and when she lashed out, she was overly bitchy. Whereas it was a given with Jessica that she was always bitchy because she was more selfish and didn’t think before she acted; when she was nice, she was really and unexpectedly nice. Plus she was just more fun.

So it was with Vicky and Marley. Privileged Marley was good and underprivileged Vicky wasn’t, the assumption being she had to fight for whatever she got. Marley got more and more boring as she was established as the “good” twin, and when she lashed out, she was a bitch. The ultimate “Marley’s an unforgiving bitch” moment came in the late 1990’s, shortly before the plastic surgery recast crap, when Jensen Buchanan was playing Vicky and Marley.

I won’t tell you what, but something awful happened for which Vicky was perceived as being at fault (she wasn’t). Marley sat on her plane heading back to San Juan Capistrano or wherever she was living then, while, on the ground, Vicky stood outside her house, looking up at the stars. Marley looked out the airplane window and told Vicky she’d had it, she was done with her twin for good, and said, “Goodbye, Vicky.” Down on earth, Vicky, still looking up at the stars, suddenly looked panicked and terrified and cried out, “Goodbye? No, Marley! Not goodbye!” That was a pretty intense scene, and describing it doesn’t do it justice.

Only Anne Heche could make me see Marley with new eyes after 16 years. Marley appears at Donna’s place, just after Jake shows up asking if Donna has heard from her. Marley is still mad at Donna for her role in covering up the Vicky/Jake thing, but Donna does something extremely un-Donna like and doesn’t press her, and instead leaves her alone with Jake.

The fact that Marley is shown in a red dress and behaving in a decidedly un-Marley-like fashion is not lost on the viewer. She even sounds a little like Vicky – now, I know, you’re thinking, number one Evie, they’re twins, and number two, Evie, they’re the same actress. Yes, ‘tis true, however sometimes twins' voices differ slightly (just ask my three year old friends Dylan and CJ – they’re already pulling twin switches, but their triplet Bridget can tell them apart). Also, Anne Heche is so good at showing the differences in the twins, you forget she’s the same actress.

Marley goes on to give Jake the what-for of his life. It was beautiful. She finally admits what we have seen all along – she was blinded by love for Jake and put what he wanted over what she wanted, to such a degree as to believe that she and Jake were better suited to raise Steven, justifying Jake’s desire to take Steven away from Vicky. Marley rails at Jake about how her twin will never forgive her, even understanding it herself as the veil of blind love has been lifted; and how Steven has now been taken away from Vicky anyway, and “All of that happened because of what you put us all through!”

Yeah! You go, girl. See? Only Anne Heche could make me like Marley, of all people. OK, OK, I guess I should give the writers some credit, heh heh heh…

Well, I am off to my glorious, air-conditioned bedroom. I can’t think of a quote this week, so I’ll end the same way Sid Mark, my favorite DJ and host of the local Philly and national Frank Sinatra radio programs (for 50 years this year, I’ll have you know), ends his show:

“God willing and all things being equal, I look forward to the pleasure of your company next time. Sleep warm.”

Then again, it’s 90 degrees, how can you not?

Current Mood:

thankful

Current Music: "Simple Song of Freedom," by Bobby Darin

Tue, Jul. 26th, 2005, 02:08 am
Boring Hurricanes, Seeing "Dead" People, and Vicky Love

Boring Hurricanes, Greenlee Smacking, and Vicky Love

Hi, remember me? I was out here two weeks ago! So, how are we feeling about our shows these days? I thought that hurricane on GH was about as exciting as the elevator ride I took to the Dentist’s office last week. It took me about a week to stop laughing at the image of a perplexed Courtney, driving as my Kale Brown warned her to get off the road, practically saying, “Courtney, this means you…” as her confused eyes darted back and forth and the windshield wipers sped by on the lowest possible setting. Damn, that was funny. I’m still laughing! Aw, my sides hurt! Oh, man… thanks, Courtney, I needed that!

I'm thinking my Alkie has too much duct tape. I'm trying to picture Alkie, frozen Cherry Coke in hand, as he roams about Mobster Depot where he and Sonny probably bought that oh so very very U G L Y dress for Carly and Reese, respectively, as he passes a display that says, Duct Tape: 10 for $10! He scratches his chin thoughtfully and eyes the display, pondering the value: “Hmmmm... ten rolls for ten dollars. That's quite a spectacular bargain. Certainly, I'd be a fool to pass that up. I shall purchase 100 rolls...”

Aside from the Courtney driving hilarity, another highlight of the past few weeks was seeing Lucky hit Jax. Oh, Lucky, you just go on with your bad self! Jax is a pompous ass. I’m sorry, but all likeability he exhibited for a few episodes blew out with the hurricane. As I expected, I am disenchanted with this surrogacy storyline, finding it completely insulting to those that have actually experienced surrogacy. I’m not seeing evidence that the writers are actually checking with people that have used surrogacy as an option. It is not unheard of, as Jax hinted, that he would have to adopt his own child. Each state has different laws. Might be nice if someone at GH checked New York’s…

As other EOS writers have said, I, too, am having trouble with the suddenness with which we are supposed to believe Courtney and Jax want a baby, and the sudden change of heart that Courtney exhibits. Well, that doesn’t surprise me that much, since Court is kinda stupid. I am not saying that a mother that could not provide an egg would not necessarily be a little resentful of the surrogate; however, in real life, they would at least make an attempt to get an egg from Courtney before just saying, “Aw, well you know, hon, you probably don’t got any.”

Also, when you want a baby, when you really want a baby, I don’t think you spend your time on petty jealousy, whining to men you don’t know that well and talking to everyone about it but the people involved. If you want to feel involved, Courtney, try this novel idea: Talk to Elizabeth about your child, tell her you want her to include you in the pregnancy. She understands. You might even try – and this is really nutty… talking to your husband about it. Crazy, huh?

By the way, big thank you to GH for lowering my cholesterol, as I will never eat eggs again. I also got scared when I saw Courtney and Jax waving around those cups, but thank goodness it was just coffee. I hope. Ewwwww! Speaking also of narley things, I hope Jax and Courtney changed the hay from when Sonny and Reese used it. Ew, man, Alkie, I hope you bought some Febreze allergen and icky-ness reducer when you bought that duct tape. Or some matches. Bleah. I feel icky and dirty!

I am not talking about pukeworthy Reese this week. Aside from expressing how much I hate her, I got nothin. As Sonny might say, “I have no use for you.” Hopefully he will say that to her someday and then I can heal. Now, I like Carly and have accepted this version of her, but why do they keep having her go back, like developmentally? Like, why did she even have that conversation with John Durant, leading to that conversation with Sonny, about whom to trust? “John wouldn’t do that to his own grandson...” Um, Carly? Where you been, girl? I expected John to step forward and say, “Hi, have we met? I’m your sinister father, John Durant…” Geez, Carly, read some Cliff’s Notes and catch up.

Now, it’s time for me to tell off Sonny. I invite you to watch. I am going to share an opinion of which I may be in the minority, but such is life and I hope you still love Evie if you disagree with her. OK, Sonny, here it is, deal with it: Who the hell are you to leave Carly hanging in the balance while you make a decision about Michael? OK, sure, your decision is probably more sensible than Carly’s would be, but that’s not the point. Carly is his mother.

No, you are not less his father than you would be if he was your biological son, as is said many times on soaps, you are his father, “in every way that counts.” But remember that crap you spouted off to Carly when you thought Michael was dead, about how you’d always be grateful that she trusted you to take Michael into your heart? That means you owe Carly some respect, if for no other reason than she damn sure didn’t have to let you adopt him, you ungrateful self-centered bombastic egomaniacal miscreant!

There, I’m done. Whattya think? Now let’s go to Pine Valley and tell off Ryan.

What is up with the Chekhov play that AMC has turned into since Ryan’s “death?” Uncle Vanya Goes to Pine Valley? I see dead people! Oh, wait, it's just Ryan...Ryan, I have some choice words for you below, but let me tell you that I did not think it was possible to detest you more than I already did. And yet, it happened! At least I still liked Jonathan in the end (well, I guess it wasn’t the end, heh heh heh…) but you’re not even likeable! And one important thing Mr. Ryan, “Bruce Banner” Lavery, and listen good: You may be a Hulk of somethin’, but there’s nothing incredible about you. You ain’t no Lou Ferrigno, and you sure as hell ain’t no Bill Bixby. Hulk indeed!

Never in all of soap land has there been a couple more perfect for each other than Ryan and Greenlee. I say that not out of affection for them, but as an acknowledgement of how there are not two more selfish, egocentric, self centered, rude, self righteous, arrogant, self involved, people in all of daytime. They make Sonny Corinthos look like the Pope! Any Pope, just pick a Pope.

Greenlee is an idiot, although one can sort of understand the delusional train of thought that made her think she could save Ryan by asking her brother in law to stick her with a turkey baster full of unmentionable fluid that has been mentioned so many times this year on ABC Daytime that I expect to see a spinoff: All My Sperm: No Cup To Call Home.

I’m sorry Greenlee has to be a widow twice, but it could be worse: She could be us, watching this crap. The only reason I am not saying I miss her with Leo, is because I am just as in love with Danny McCoy over in Las Vegas as I was with Leo du Pres in Pine Valley. I always liked Leo, but Greenlee never quite dazzled me.

But I continue to blame Ryan’s idiocy for this whole thing, because, psycho nonetheless, he could have done so many things differently. I guess the rumor about Kendall carrying Ryan’s baby for Greenlee, who ends up dying, is not true. But if Greenlee does die now, it would serve that whiny little baby Ryan right to lose her. And Greenlee –I was right there, in her corner, on the Greenlee sadness train, until I heard her mouth go off on Jackson. Damn girl, with your mouth, you’re lucky anybody was there to comfort you.

And the beauteous Greenlee Kendall friendship is one thing, I love it; however, can someone please remove Kendall’s I Heart Greenlee T shirt and Emerald “Greenlee Rules” Glasses? She is beginning to sound like the Good Witch of the North. Greenlee can do wrong, Kendall, and you used to point it out to her on a ridiculously daily basis. Is there no happy medium? Oy! As the old Kendall might have said, can you give me a little less saccharine? I might go into sugar shock.

By the way, assuming nothing different happened on the episode that I missed, Go Reggie! He sure kicked Dani to the curb – ouch! Despite my lack of love for Dani, she had me crying with her when she collapsed in the cabin. But of course, I’m still on Reggie’s side. I have stopped giving Sam the benefit of any doubt. And may I give a big Bronx cheer to the writers who thought it would be nice to force us to view Adam with Krystle, and apparently dropping any hint of a relationship with Brooke. Thank you so much for giving me more characters I don’t care about, such as Jamie, Babe, Krystle, and Amanda. And watching Krystle and Amanda hurts so much it makes me long to see Jamie and Babe. Don’t you see what’s wrong with this picture???

I’m just going to go ahead right now and absolve my Zach for his involvement in the Ryan’s “death” cover-up. I understand his motives, and I have another very simple reason: I wuv him. Zach Slater, and therefore Mr. Thorsten Kaye, has officially been elected Evie’s Very Favoritest Soap Love! Isn’t that exciting? I love him just about (but not quite) as much as I love my First Soap Love, AW’s Mitch Blake, Mr. William Grey Espy. On that note, off to Bay City.

Can you tell why in the future, Marley and Jamie will make such a perfect couple? They’re both vicious, hiding behind self righteousness, masked as hurt and rejection. Bleah! I’m really glad that I didn’t see this storyline the first time around, because it would have colored my opinion of Jamie. Of course, after Laurence Lau stopped playing him, I didn’t pay that much attention to him anyway.

Here’s the thing about Vicky, at least Anne Heche’s version, in my opinion: almost everything she did was understandable. It might have been over the top, ridiculous, embarrassing, but somehow Anne Heche’s Vicky made you see and eventually understand why she did the things that she did. We all watched her give that ultimatum to Rachel, and while we understood it, we may have been saying, “Tone it down, Vick!” But she didn’t hear us.

So we instead turned to Rachel, asking her to understand Vicky, which of course, she no longer could. Rachel, whatever she may be going through, is a hypocrite when it comes to Vicky, because she did the same damn thing. And Jamie, yeah, you’ve got all the answers. That’s why you’ve been married three times, right? Oh, sure, you’re an expert! I felt sorry for him through the whole paternity thing, I truly did, but when he took that baby from my Vicky without looking back, it went out of my head faster than compassion went out of his heart.

Now we are getting to see the more likeable side of the Most Emotional Man in Daytime, Jake McKinnon. Here’s another one that you detested while he was trying to take Vicky’s baby away, but as soon as he found out he wasn’t the father, he deflated and ya wanted to hug him! The thing you have to remember about Jake and Vicky, is that they were best friends growing up, and that they were, as far as Vicky was concerned, in love when they came to Bay City.

The scene where he sheepishly asks Vicky’s second proper Irish mother, Bridget, who of course offers to make him a cup of tea, if he could talk to her. Looking at him, remembering him as a young boy devoted to Vicky perhaps, and then remembering all the things he did to hurt Vicky since he arrived in Bay City, she answered, “I don’t know.” I just love that scene, probably because I love Jake and Bridget. I love honest with his emotions Jake and protective Bridget, and any scene with them together? Perfection!

Later in the week, Jake realizes Marley has left him (trust me, Jake, no big loss, OK?) and goes tearing on Donna asking where Marley is, until he realizes that possibly, Michael has left her. Now, I didn’t see past this episode yet because life’s a bit nuts, but the moment that he grabbed the crying Donna in a hug – there wasn’t enough Kleenex in my house, you guys!

The least exciting thing this week was the revelation to Josie that Russ is her father. I actually find myself liking Olivia better than Josie this time around, whereas last time it was the opposite. Despite the hunky Matt Crane centered scenes, I had to fast forward a lot of that Josie stuff. I’m sorry, I just don’t think, as they said in high school, that she’s all that. She ain’t, and people give her far too much credit. I was not interested in the chasing Josie around New York story and I don’t particularly care when she’ll be in Bay City again. My Matt was quick to understand Sharlene’s pain at Josie’s rejection and rushed to comfort her. Is he a doll or is he a doll?

So now it’s time for Evie to go to sleep. It was actually time for Evie to go to sleep two hours ago but I was having too much fun writing to you guys. I’m going to end with my favorite quote from Beyond the Sea, featuring and done by the very yummy Kevin Spacey, about the incredibly fantastic Bobby Darin. The movie was great, a real musical! If you haven’t seen it, it was almost like a play – very well done. And Bob Hoskins was in it! Bob Hoskins! Movies don’t get any better, unless we go back fifty or sixty years!

“Memories are like moonbeams… you can do what you want with them.”

Have a great week!

Current Mood:

bouncy

Current Music: "If I Had No Loot," by Tony! Toni! Tone!

Mon, Jul. 11th, 2005, 08:09 pm
Chasin' The Jason, Soap Reality, and Jamie's a Jerk

Chasin The Jason, Soap Reality, and Jamie's a Jerk

I know, I’m late – but I got a note! It says: Please excuse Evie from posting her column on-time. She has a weirdass childhood disease and the drugs are draining her. Signed, Evie’s Mothah. Did you know that adorable women with asthma can get whooping cough? ‘Tis true! So, it is now time for me to make you jealous that I have SoapNet. Ready? Chanting: “I have SoapNet! I have SoapNet!” But I don’t have Lifetime Movie Network, so if you do, then we’re even. And now, with your very kind permission, a list of the things that I discovered upon watching the first few episodes of Chasin’ Jason:

1. I really, really hate the new opening in all its epileptic trigger glory. The older opening made sense. It flowed better; the ambulance fit, and so did Luke and Laura, Sonny and Brenda, Steve and whomever that was on the gurney. Why bother having an opening if it’s not like it was? They could save even more money if they just eliminate the opening altogether. We already know we’re watching GH, and they are obviously not trying for new viewers, so…

2. Robin and The Jason were not a very exciting couple. Love to their fans, I mean that not in a bad way. They showed enough “classic Jason” moments in the commercials for me to know what was lovable about the two of them. By the way, the Robin episode featured no less than six Shirtless Jason scenes!

3. I can finally understand why some people completely hate Carly. She was a piece of work indeed. She showed absolute, unmitigated, self centered gall, and your needs be damned as long as her reasons make sense.

4. Tom Hardy is freaking adorable and they need to bring him back. Does he have to be in Salem with AJ? I also got to know and like Lucy. Kevin got on my nerves, just as he had in the few episodes I saw of Port Charles. Also, does anyone know why Patch and Kayla were sitting in a hospital room with a recovering from something Nikolas?

5. The Jason was funny. In the two pre-Evie era episodes they showed, he had a sexy, flirty, witty way of speaking. For example, when he was trying to get Carly to go away so he could finish his meeting in the penthouse, he said to her, trying to resist feeling sorry for her “Do you have to be shivering?” Sam brings out the funny in him, so hopefully we’ll see The Funny Jason more.

6. GH apparently no longer has scenes as powerful as they have in the past. In one short scene (I think, unless SoapNet edited), The Jason as Jason Quartermaine, was begging drunken AJ to give him the keys. He jumped into the car presumably to try to save AJ from himself as AJ sped off. Cut to Ned, who hears the tires screech and the car crash. He runs outside and the camera cuts to The Jason, passed out, having hit his head on a rock (note to Hope if you are out there – you were right). The end of Jason Quartermaine and the beginnings of Jason Morgan. What a scene.

7. I was wrong. I never liked Courtney. I thought I had. Apparently, she annoyed me from the get-go. My mistake!

And now, back to modern times: Am I supposed to have found Sonny and Carly’s visit to Dr. Thomas funny? Cause I did, is that normal? “I’ll do anything to help Michael,” says Sonny. Anything except get some therapy yourself. Since Maurice Benard is so vocal about helping others with bipolar disorder, it’s too bad that TIIC won’t have the character of Sonny explore that. Sonny should be seen dealing with his issues. GH fancies itself The Sopranos of daytime, so if therapy is good enough for Tony Soprano, it’s good enough for Sonny Corinthos. Get Dr. Melfi to come to PC and give Dr. Winters (puke) and Dr. Thomas (whatever) lessons on how to be supportive and non-judgmental to their patients with complicated home lives.

Speaking of, joining Reese this week in the Evie Despises Me Club, Port Charles Division, is Dr. Freakin Winters. Who writes for her? Her dialogue is absurd! “A lot of people really care about that kid,” she says, as if caring about a child that has been through hell is unusual. Um… yo, Dr. Winters… why are you still here? I could say that I want to see her with Justus, but I was just fine and happy with Justus and Faith. Euphemism, expletive deleted!

Congrats to Pocono/Philly girl Kelly Monaco for winning on that show that I didn’t watch. I’m also sure we all can’t wait (insert yawn) to see who gets to be the new soap “star” on AMC (not watching that, either). If SoapNet took half of the money it’s spending on I Wanna be a Soap Star, it could feed all of my first, second, and third cousins throughout the US, and their families, and all of their friends for three years. Or it could hire actual established actors to be on the show. There’s a concept…

However, the idea of competing for a soap contract is somewhat good, though a little misguided. Because does it really make sense to randomly recast a character based on who an actor most resembles? Let us also consider for a brief moment the first character result of Soap Star, Officer “Barney Fife” Murphy. Remember a week or so ago, when Jesse got into the elevator? Officer Overzealous calls into the elevator, “Stop or I’ll shoot!” We see Jesse in the elevator frozen. Nanoseconds later, Officer Murphy makes good on his word and shoots. What exactly did you expect him to do, Officer Murphy? Teleport out of the elevator? How did you know he wasn’t moving forward to step off of the elevator?

When I first started watching GH, I thought it was the greatest thing ever and I couldn’t understand why the fans online were saying it sucked and that I should have seen it when it was good. I told them my tale of woe about how AW had been taken away from me, even though we weren’t speaking at the time due to the Vicky’s Identical Twin Marley has Plastic Surgery and a Recast fiasco. But now I, too, am mourning the GH of yesteryear. I miss the show as it was when I started watching. I even miss Roy! And Zander, oh how I miss my Zander! But most of all, I miss how much I loved it at first. And now, a short demonstration charting varying degrees of my soap interest:

Evie watching GH in 2001: “I love this show! I LOVE this show!”

Evie watching GH last week: “What the hell is this crap?”

Me watching AMC in January: “I can’t wait to see what happens!”

Me watching AMC last week: “Here’s hoping this doesn’t suck too much.”

Me watching AW in 1988: “Oh no! Wally died?”

Me watching AW in 2003: “No!! Wally!! Not yet! No! WAAAAAHHHH!”

On to laugh at those Pine Valley teens! I thought the purpose of having teens in a storyline was to try to get teens to watch the shows whilst out of school, is it not? Awesome Reggie catches dipstick Sam with an apparent disregard for Lily in one hand and a beer in the other, and then tears him a new one. A little Afterschool Special-ish, but well done, especially once Brook tells Sam why she is so against drunk driving. Brilliantly acted as usual by Julia Barr, enlightening me as well as Sam, because I didn’t know that’s how her daughter died.

But, oh, how I hate this Dani storyline. Hate, loathe, abominate, despise, detest, abhor, etcetera. The Reggie/Sam example above is a good use of how teens can be involved in relatively life-educational storylines, showing drama while teaching a lesson. But let’s just go ahead and show each teenage girl out there that when she is having problems with her parents, she should drink, reject her boyfriend’s concern, pick up a guy, and lose her virginity while having unprotected sex with that guy, who is, and I’m sorry, nearly twice her age if he’s a day.

And what kind of idiot is this Josh guy? He couldn’t tell she was a virgin? I mean, seriously? I hope Reggie kicks his ass, and while he’s at it I hope he tells Dani to tell her story walking. I barely like Dani as it is, and am finding it extremely hard to sympathize with her. Dani did have me on her side against her mother, though. This Mimi person – people liked her? Was she always like this, or have the AMC writers gone to the Pruza School of Character Assassination?

If Dani ends up pregnant from this, I will be so not talking to you, AMC! I momentarily felt sorry for her when she asked, “What have I done?” In yet another fabulous display of unreality, Dani was not shown, shall we say, expressing any, um…discomfort in the nether regions. Unless she’s into horseback riding, shouldn’t she be working through some pain?

The only thing that saved my interest this week, now that Erica is totally unlikable again (I thought the plastic surgery comment was funny, though…) is my Zach. I loved him kissing Kendall, I loved him playing family friendly with the crazy Montgomery Kane clan, I loved the kiss on Erica’s cheek that she wiped away, I loved his comments – thank you, Zach. If I stayed awake it was to see you!

Dixie is also holding my interest. It’s kind of weird though, because, what do we assume? If we go, “Oh, I knew she was Dixie…” we may be wrong. If we say, “She’s not Dixie!” we may be wrong. So what, is she Dixie with a caveat? Was I actually right about the space clone thing? I know I should also be disturbed by the Dixie/JR Oedipaloisity, but Jacob Young, who I simply could not stand on GH, has this wounded little boy thing down, and she seems to bring it out in him. No way in hell is that actress old enough to be his mother, but so far the relationship doesn’t have me too tweaked.

Over in Bay City, or really, New York City, I have to say that in her first years in Bay City, I found it hard to believe that so many people really cared about shrill, whining, self-pitying, spoiled brat Josie. Poor Rueben, trying to be her friend, only to have her say to him, “If you don’t get off my back, I will move out and you will never see me again.” Wow, there’s a big loss, huh? But it’s perfectly acceptable for her to harp on him. That’s Josie’s world.

And Josie, you stupid, stupid girl… why don’t you try asking for Matthew when Olivia, answered the phone, instead of assuming he’s cheating on you? Why would you hang up when he finally grabbed the phone of her? Oh, I forgot, you’re an idiot. I’ll try to keep that in mind for the next year or two before you become likeable. Olivia will never become much more likeable than she is now, though she will become just as self pitying as her newly revealed sister. I never saw the “reveal” the first time, but I’m sure she ain’t gonna be too happy!

But of course the big news in Bay City is that yes, Jamie really is an arrogant, pompous, jerk. Don’t worry, despite the hellishly screaming scenes we shall see, everything will work out just fine. I remain on Vicky’s side through the whole thing. The only time I really liked Jamie was when number one, Laurance Lau played him, and number two, when he was nice to Vicky. Because while Vicky does have a supreme love of self and a self interest level akin to your Carly Not Really Corinthos Alcazars and your Erica Kane God Knows What Comes Before Montgomerys, she does truly love Jamie.

Once Jamie broke up with annoying psychic sprite Lisa, I started to like him more because he was showing genuine care for Vicky. But there were two things he did before and after loving Vicky: Sleep with her the first time, we assume because she was there, since he loved Lisa and treated Vicky like dirt afterwards; and sleep with her again when he found out he was Steven’s father. I’m sorry, but I don’t care who your family is. If you use a woman, walk out on her with no explanation, and then take her child from her when she understandably causes a scene – you’re a total, and you should excuse the expression, “tool.”

Well, the time has come for me to do my homework so I can watch more Chasin’ Jason. I’ll end this week with a quote from one of my favorite movies, The Thin Man, starting two of my favorite humans, William Powell and Myrna Loy. It was made in 1934 – maybe Dillon’s seen it.

“I read where you were shot five times, in the tabloids.”

“It’s not true – he was never anywhere near my tabloids!”

Current Mood:

silly

Current Music: "Unpretty," TLC

Fri, Jul. 1st, 2005, 11:31 pm
Go Away Reese, Shut Up Ryan, and Meeting Frames

Go Away Reese, Shut Up Ryan, and Meeting Frames

If I were to describe my GH watching this week in novel format, it would read thusly: “And as she sat, perplexed at the preposterousness and perniciousness on her television, hesitation was thrown aside, as she leapt, joyously ignorant, on to the Carly Loving Bandwagon...” It's less that I love Carly and more that I hate Reese. I am so out of love for her. I should have known we couldn’t trust anyone who would shoot The Jason! “I don't look anything like I used to look in high school....” she sighs breathily, “before THE ACCIDENT...” Yeah, in dem dose high school pitchers over dere you look just exactly as if you were being played by someone younger than you! FREAKY!

I know getting in an accident and facing rehabilitative surgery is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on.... um... who do I hate currently? Besides Reese, I mean... I wouldn't wish it on Amanda Dillon, but why don't you spend the rest of your life resenting the drunk driver that hit you instead of blaming CarlyCaroline, huh? Answer me when I’m talking to you, CarlyCharlotte! When they showed her post accident, she had, what, like, a gash on her head, and for that she had to get plastic surgery to turn into Kari Wuhrer? But then again, we’re talking about a show that has Georgie getting brain surgery and emerging hours later with a full head of stylin’ hair.

Let me just say that given the fact that Corbin Bernsen is well educated, articulate, witty, and an excellent actor with a solid theatrical, television, and soap opera background, he deserves better one hell of a lot better than John Durant. If he were played by anybody else, would he even be on the show anymore? There is a difference between creating a character the audience loves to hate, and creating a character that does the same hateful things repeatedly. Ah, well, at least we have Carpool Guy to look forward to!

Bobbie lost any respect I had for her by saying Justus is “tainted” because he worked for Sonny. Um…OK…Bobbie, based on our history and that of our relatives, are we sure we want to be making pronouncements about others and the, um, services they provide for people? Your glass house might break. And I don’t quite get the logic that Reese, partnered with the man that kidnapped your pregnant daughter and kept her chained to a wall, is a better choice to defend you than Justus would be.

You know I love Ric, and I am all for calling him a changed man; however, the idea that Bobbie would prefer taking counsel from his “firm with Reese” (cue porno music) instead of Justus is ludicrous. I don’t understand how a show that has been on for 42 years allows things like this just for plot points. Can’t GH employ someone that was there in the beginning and the middle as a reference for historical accuracy and respect to the characters?

Speaking of which, if you are going to revisit a story that was one of your best stories ever, and only do so to unnecessarily showcase a talented recast, then don’t drop it by having her “meet a cute cop on the run.” I’m not going to complain as others have that, “…the heart story should have had the original players,” because I know that if the original players had been on the show, GH wouldn’t have revisited the heart story.

Back to Justus, forty five hundred points to him for speaking up to Sonny about putting Reese in the penthouse! It’s so cute that he’s looking out for Carly. I thought Sonny was mad at him though, because of the Faith thing? For someone who is in the mob, Sonny sure seems to forgive and forget a lot of betrayals. “You’re dead to me! Dead! But first I need you to do me a favor…”

When I saw Cynthia Preston on Soap Talk, I realized how much I missed Faith. One of those “You don’t know what ya got til it’s gone” things. Faith was paradise, and Reese is the parking lot. If we are going to have to accept, and apparently we are, that GH wants to be considered a mob show, then at least let us have true bitch Faith instead of psycho quasi bitch Reese. I wasn’t allowed to have Faith and Justus, but there’s plenty of Reese and Sonny to go around. Dino, pass the bourbon, would ya, pallie?

This penthouse thing is just an excuse to use that set, right? Awkward, though, huh? Sonny obviously doesn’t read etiquette books. Dear Miss Manners: I am a divorced Mafioso who is currently boinking a psycho FBI agent who is obsessed with my ex-wife. I think it would be cool to put her in my old place. How long should I wait before berating my ex-wife publicly? Do they make greeting cards for this? Sincerely, “Coffee Importer” in Port Charles.

I continue to be hopelessly bored by the Tracy/Luke/Skye storyline. Frankly, I think we need to remove the Skye portion of it; keep her with Coleman, and remove the Luke portion of that. Each of the possible entities can stand on its own without having to mix for comic relief with the other couple: Tracy and Luke, Skye and Coleman. Or vice versa. But not as a love quadrangle. It’s like an extended episode of The Love Boat, only without Charo and Captain Stubing. Quick, page Gopher to the Lido Deck!

Maybe Alcazar isn’t as lost as I thought he was to the Carly wiles! Just because I am more accepting of this Carly doesn’t mean I like their marriage ‘cause I still think it stinks. Carly is, after all, Carly. It’s all about her. She may love Lorenzo, but she doesn’t care about him, and to put them together is insulting to fans of Alkie (OK, me). Actually, I’m really disgusted with Carly because of the mayonnaise and French Fry thing. Apparently she’s never tried cheese fries, thereby making mayo fries unnecessary. That nutsy cuckoo Carly! I betcha she liked Deep Fried Twinkies too.

What’s this? The unscrupulous Dr. Thomas found a scruple? He can be bought, but he cares about his patients? Why, he’s perfect for the hospital! At the risk of being called a hypocrite (OK, I’m a hypocrite), I love The Jason supporting and defending Carly. Isn’t he looking cuter these days? I cannot wait for the Chasin Jason marathon that Soap Net is doing? WOOHOO!! I like Sam again, more and more every week! You go, girl! So is Michael going to start thinking Sam is his mother, or that Emily is? Why does Emily now look like Reese? And why do I miss Nik’s long hair when I had been asking him to get a haircut for weeks? Maybe it’s a sign that I need a hot oil treatment?

Only GH would read sexual tension into an awkward meeting among those making a commitment to surrogacy. I do not have a good feeling about this story. Please, GH, please, for the love of Luke and Laura’s wedding, don’t cheapen surrogacy for a plot twist. At least frickin’ research it. And no matter what, no more specimen cup references unless you plan on providing viewer barf bags. And even more importantly, please do not give me three or four months of crying, sighing, hands-in-hair, eye-rolling Courtney. Much like Amanda’s ridiculous posturing on AMC, fast forwarding does not prevent my brain from being traumatized Courtney’s Draaaama Repertoire.

On to Pine Valley, you have just seen the second and last reference to the woefully misplaced Amanda Damn Dillon. My biggest comment this week is that I don’t have a lot of comments this week. See, the reason I didn’t see the movie Fight Club is because I didn’t want to see the movie Fight Club. Whose psychotic dream did this storyline come from, and is it too late for them to receive therapy?

By the way, I would like to clear up a common misconception. I have read in various different places comments on the fact that people on AMC are always at the “beach” and that there are “no beaches in Pennsylvania.” We aren’t all that far from the Atlantic Ocean, but it does not border Pennsylvania, that is true. What we do have in Pennsylvania are lakes and ponds that they open for swimming, and yes, some of them do have sand. In fact, the ones in the Poconos do look rather like what was seen on AMC, sand with trees nearby.

Between all the Jamie/Amanda/Babe scenes, the Krystle scenes, and the Ryan/Greenlee scenes, I had lots of time to catch up on studying for my classes. Perhaps I missed Amanda becoming likeable, Krystal saying she is going away and taking Babette with her, or Greenlee telling Ryan she is obsessed with Jonathan just to get him to take a permanent vacation. But I know I missed more Tad/Krystal boredom, Amanda providing puke-worthy preening postures, and more sleep inducing laughable Rylee darkness.

Hey, sexy Dr. Hayward, can you make Ryan a drug that will turn him invisible? And silent? For, like, ever? Wouldn’t it have been funny if David had gone to see Maria off? “I told you, you should have stayed Maureen! It would have been easier on all of us!” When I saw the young girl with dark hair standing next to Maria at the airport, it took me a while to realize it was Maddie. Didn’t recognize her without her snarl! Maria’s goodbye was a little understated and disappointing, kind of like you feel when you go to your last day of work. And I’m sorry, but if I’m Maria, I’m running over to Zach and having my way as much as publicly possible before, or instead of, boarding the plane.

So, can you guys tell me, am I supposed to like Josh, or not? I can’t figure it out. Since I am seeing spoilers about him related to Dani, my guess would be not. Do you guys know what I am talking about? If they do what they are saying they are going to do, my fast forward button will be on overdrive and my sensibilities and faith in humanity will once again be shattered. Thank you, ABC! So, how long until Brian Frons retires? ABC trying to yank in viewers or drive up ratings with their insulting storylines brings to mind a song by Heavy D, called Nuttin But Love. “I’ve got nuttin’ but love for ya, baby! Whatcha got? I got nuttin’ but love for ya, honey! Yeah, whatever...”

Another novelization of my viewing habits: As the obscene vision of Amanda Dillon hit her, she reeled from nausea. The horrific image was followed by another gratuitous shot of a tightly clad person named after an infant. Panic struck her. She ran, ran as fast as she could, to the comforting arms of her friends in Bay City.

This week in Bay City, we’ll be visiting with those crazy Frames. The first Frame that Bay City ever saw was Steve Frame. I don’t know much about him other than he was one of those “self made” types. And guess who one of the Steve Frames was? Go ahead, guess. David Canary! From 1981 to 1983. Did you all ever catch him on Bonanza? He looks gooooooood. Anyway, Steve was the father of Jamie Frame, now played by the sexy voiced Laurence Lau, with Rachel Davis someday to be Cory. I love Rachel, who is played by Victoria Wyndham, and feel for her since she just lost Mac, but let’s just say that for her to judge Vicky about not being upfront about Steven’s paternity makes her a scosh hypocritical.

Rachel was married to Russ Matthews at the time she conceived Jamie with Steve Frame. Russ is being played by David Bailey, who recently passed away. He was also on Passions. Anyway, after Steve rejected her, Rachel told Russ that he was Jamie’s father. There was a recent scene in which Jamie, coming to grips with the fact that he may not be Steven’s father yet acknowledging his affection for the baby, asks Russ how he felt about Jamie when he found out they were not blood. Russ reassured him that he cared about him anyway and never blamed him personally for any anger he had at Rachel.

Steve was killed in a car accident. He had six siblings; of the Frames you may know, the first to come back to Bay City was Jason Frame, played by Chris Robinson. Jason wanted to revive one of Steve’s companies, Frame Construction. He and John Hudson, who is played by David Forsyth, revived it together. Jason’s sister Sharlene, came to Bay City to start a new life, despite her past there (before my time). I’m not going to tell you who Josie’s father is because I haven’t caught up this week, but did you know she was married to Russ Matthews? Hmmmm…

OK, so you know what happened next; Jason was killed and Felicia Gallant was accused. During the trial, it came out that Sharlene was – GASP! – a hooker! A hooker? On a soap opera? So despite the fact that it was Sharlene who was raked over the coals, her selfish little teenage daughter Josie, played now by Alexandra Wilson, began throwing hissy fit after hissy fit. Josie was involved with Matthew Cory, played by Matt Crane. Matthew, for reasons unknown, is currently wasting his time staying in Russ Matthews’ apartment in New York while he searches for Josie…

It was another Frame cousin that was able to free Felicia by discovering that Nicole Love was the killer. It was the coolest Frame ever, Mary Frances Ordway, daughter of Frame sister Emma Frame Ordway. Mary Frances is better known as Frankie Frame. Frankie is one of my favorite characters on AW, and watching her and Cass together will be the best. The fun is just beginning and you’re gonna love it. Frankie and Cass may have been my favorite AW couple, ever!

To get hokey for a moment, I hope you all have a wonderful Fourth of July holiday! I must hurry, get in my Dodge and out of Dodge before Live 8 hits my town. I don’t like crowds, especially when they are on my porch.

Tonight, we lost Luther Vandross out of the blue; thank goodness for recordings so he won’t ever really be lost to us. This week we also lost Paul Winchell and John Fiedler, both of whom were voices for the Winnie the Pooh movies. My favorite John Fiedler role was Vinny in The Odd Couple movie. I’m ending this week with my favorite line from that movie spoken by Walter Matthau’s Oscar Madison.

“Vinny, this is my apahtment, if you wanna play with your cards you go right ahead, darling!”

See ya next week! Remember to drink tomato juice when you’re hungover!

Current Mood:

optimistic

Current Music: "Someday We'll Be Together," The Supremes

Fri, Jun. 24th, 2005, 11:37 am
Storylines, Annoying Characters, and The Three Musketeers

Storylines, Annoying Characters, and The Three Musketeers

We wouldn’t be seeing this story if they weren’t trying to get us to love the already loved Kirsten Storms, but despite the high drama reminiscent of the most Lifetime-iest of Lifetime movies, I have found the storyline more enthralling than appalling. Except for one over-the-top moment: “I have to go,” says Georgie, “so you can have my heart…” Oh, come on!

I thought I was watching “As the Stomach Turns,” the soap parody from The Carol Burnett Show. I expected to see Harvey Korman enter the dream sequence in drag, while organ music played and a voiceover asked, “Will Georgie step into the light? Will Maxie get a new heart? Will it be Georgie’s? Will Jason give up Sonny to Ric? And will Reese ever take that stupid bandage off of her forehead?”

So, shouldn't we be calling Liz a gestational hostess? Isn't gestational host an oxymoron since a host is male and most males cannot gestate? Is gestate a word? I want to say that I am glad they are doing a story about surrogacy, because several people I know have the families they have because of it. I only hope they don't pull a GH on us and use it for either a lame push off for something else (like Emily's cancer storyline) or have something happen that insults the intelligence or experience of anyone who has been involved with surrogacy.

Now we know Reese is (yawn – oh, excuse me!) I’m missing exactly how it is that Carly “stole” Reese’s life. By thinking she was dead and choosing to take her name to honor her? Um…OK…. So if I get on the subway tomorrow and a girl sits in the seat that I wanted, does that mean she stole my life? And Reese, there’s a little book you should check out called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. She will help you let go of some of your resentment issues. Now, Reese, if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to talk to the nice readers out in computer land. Have a nice day! Don’t shoot anyone! (Whoa. Talk about out of focus anger issues…she must be nuts!)

How about when Sonny and Jason happened upon Reese and Ric and The Body? “Somebody want to tell me what’s going on?” I wanted Ric to say, “Yeah, Sonny, we totally slept together. Oh… wait, you mean the dead guy…” I knew the Ric/Sonny relationship would happen! It was worth waiting for. I love that comment Ric made to Jason about being jealous! Zing!

Isn't it just so nifty and perfect that Liz and Courtney have forgotten all their months of bitch-slapping when they were fighting over Jason? When did they get over hating each other? Call me crazy, but someone bitchslaps me, and I hold a grudge, baby. Um, Reese, maybe you better let me borrow that book back when you finish it…By the way, I think Liz and Lucky's apartment is Courtney's old apartment. Remember, when AJ was stalking her? Ah, the glory days! And you know who you were then! Girls were girls and men were men! Mister we can use a man like Scotty Baldwin again....

Can't Lucky just ask Luke or Nik for the money? We're talking about medical bills, not credit card debt or gambling losses. He could have a Lucky’s Depleted Bank Account intervention with Nikolas, Emily, and Luke. “Um, Dad? Remember when you tricked Helena into coming back? No, the time before that… and Nikolas? Remember when you were in jail? And how I took care of the Princess? And Princess, remember how I jumped in front of the bullet to save your sorry little butt… No, I know she wasn’t aiming at your butt… anyway, the way I figure it – you all owe me, so whip out those checkbooks!”

Lucky said a while ago that he and Liz were so broke they were going to have to “eat baloney sandwiches” for a while. Apparently no one on GH actually looks at the price of baloney. That stuff’s expensive! For a few more dollars then the cost of two packs of baloney, you could get a Perdue Oven Stuffer Roaster! Maybe I should stop by Lucky and Liz’s place and introduce them to the magical world of coupons?

I’m glad to see Bobbie getting some storyline. I loved the scene when she and Tony comforted each other and said that watching Maxie’s body reject BJ’s heart was like losing BJ all over again. I even didn’t hate the scene where Carly tells Bobbie she felt connected to BJ as a sister. She’s becoming more Carly-ish to me, although I maintain as I do weekly that it is not Jennifer Bransford I have issue with, it is what the writers have done with Carly. Shame about Durant, though. But that Jesse dude is cute!

Evie's voiceover voice: The role of the voiceover guy who announces that the role of Felicia is now being played by Sandra Ferguson is being played by Kale Browne, former Sam Rappaport of AMC and Michael Hudson of AW. I love Kale Browne (kisses, Kale!!), but why do they have to tell us twenty one million times that a recast has taken place? Are we stupid?

On to Pine Valley, And the ever wise Jamie, telling Babe he doesn’t think JR is ready to forgive Dixie. Wow, Jamie, you are ready for medical school! Now, I’d like to go ahead and solve the Dixie mystery: Di is really Dixie, but after all those surgeries, she was kidnapped by aliens at the last minute and replaced with an identical alien beast with one kidney and poor taste in children's songs. OK, AMC writers, how'd I do?

Here's my complaint of the week about Tad: I can sort of a little bit kind of in a way understand why he is upset at this betrayal of the sainted Dixie. However, he has been whining for three years about how his beloved Dixie was taken away from him, and all he wants is for her to be alive, blah, blah, blah! Then she IS alive (I am still assuming), and he hates her and kicks her out of his life. Man, Tad. Either you're fickle or you're mental.

As for the Greenlee thing, did she actually say “Let’s get me pregnant right here right now?” or did I fall asleep and dream that? I’m with Simone: “La la la, I can’t hear you….” That’s the auditory equivalent of seeing Ryan attack, and temporarily render unconscious, my David. David, when the hell are you going to start attacking back? Personally, I’d like to see David and Adam team up and kick the collective butts of Ryan, Tad, and whoever else is pissing me off that day.

I like to see that David has such genuine brother-in-law love for Greenlee. I love his concern for her. I’m sick of him being such a hated underdog. OK, so he’s done some crap, who the hell in Pine Valley hasn’t? Greenlee’s stupidity has given way to delusion. “Mrs. Lavery, will you also be having the Psychotic Break Special?”

How I loved Adam telling Dixie off! That was so cool! I’m not saying I agree with him, but I just love Adam! And doesn’t the world seem more better when Brook is around? Adam and Brook! Adam and Brook! Adam and Brook! Are they Bradam? Or Adook? These Internet names kill me!

You all know that I love my Zach, so I don’t have to tell you that I loved his warning to Ryan. Of course, I had to endure Ryan speaking to hear him, but I still loved it. Poor Cameron Mathison, I hate Ryan so much that I keep forgetting I like him. Did anyone see when Wally Kurth was on Soap Talk? He and my Ty Treadway were talking about “The Soap Net Curse.” Every time an actor gets a SoapNet show, they end up losing their primary role. Since Cameron is the only one hosting a show that has not been fired…. not that I wish that for him, I’m just saying. The only thing I wish for him is that Ryan would change enough to stop annoying me.

By the way, speaking of appallingly horrible characters, is there any other AMC character, male or female, that is more useless, gratuitous, unnecessary, and every other synonym you can think of than Amanda? What the hell? I mean, it’s like torture! Even fast forwarding her scenes doesn’t quash the misery because you are still forced to watch her prance and posture and preen! She makes Babe look like Myrtle and she makes Jamie look like Joe Martin!! Go away! Go away! Go AWAY!

On to Bay City, this week I’ll be telling you more about the Three Musketeers. The Three Musketeers are lawyer Cass Winthrop, played by sexy voiced Stephen Schnetzer; romance writer Felicia Gallant, whose real name is Fanny Grady, played by the one and only Linda Dano; and Wallingford, known as Wally, played by the incredible Brent Collins.

Cass and Felicia had been romantically involved at first. At the time he was seeing Felicia, Cass was also seeing Cecile De Poulignac, who was on before my time and only made spotty appearances after I started watching. So Felicia and Cass broke up, and became friends after that. Wally came to town around that time, as someone who worked for Cecile. The three became best friends and were referred to on the show as The Three Musketeers: Cass, the witty and sensitive lawyer; Wally, the daring man of all trades; and Felicia, the buoyantly dressed romance novelist.

I don’t remember the year, but one of the best Cass stories was when he owed money to Tony “The Tuna” Jones (Hey! Tony Jones! Huh… Whattya know?). Cass went undercover … as a woman, Krystal Lake. He was such a cute woman! So cute that Tony fell in love with “her.”

When I first started watching, Felicia was married to Zane Linquist, played by Patrick Tovatt. Zane was killed after they had only been married for a year. Felicia later would marry the Sexiest Man on Earth, Mitch Blake, who is played by William Grey Espy, and who works as a photographer for Cory Publishing. Mitch had been involved with Rachel and is the father of Matt Cory.

Felicia and Wally had apartments at Love Tower, which was built by Reginald Love. Reginald put Felicia in charge of the Love Tower restaurant, which was named “Tops” by his granddaughter Vicky. Wally worked there as a bartender. Cass had become involved with Kathleen McKinnon after he asked for her help in finding Cecile, who had run away. They fell in love, were married, and went on a six month honeymoon (must be nice, huh?).

One afternoon, in about 1987, Felicia, Wally, and Mitch were at Tops when a disheveled Cass walked in – and announced that Kathleen was dead. Felicia and Wally had accepted her as one of the gang and mourned her themselves as they comforted Cass. But Wally began to notice things were off about Cass. He couldn’t put his finger on what, though. He shared his thoughts with Felicia, who chalked it up to the stress of losing Kathleen.

Cass had met Nicole Love, who had just returned to town and was trying to open up a fashion design house; he was trying to help her and they were falling for each other. His involvement with her was upsetting to Kathleen’s father, Vince McKinnon. Slowly, we learn that Wally was right when he said something is not right about Cass, because it is not Cass at all! It is Rex Allingham, who had kidnapped Cass and taken over his life by having plastic surgery to look just like him! Rex had killed Kathleen and was hiding Cass, right in Bay City.

Rex had decided to marry Nicole as Cass, for her money. Cass found a way to get to a phone and called Wally – who, oddly enough, was not that surprised that it was the real Cass. Cass said he needed help and Wally helped him right away. He escaped and Rex was soon killed while trying to kill Nicole. Then Cass helped Nicole for real, and the Jason-killing-psycho-going rest is history. Enter Frankie...

The reunited Three Musketeers didn’t have much time together after that, because Wally soon died unexpectedly. In future years, Cass and Felicia will open a bookstore in his memory, and called Wallingford’s. As for Felicia, Lucas Castigliano, played by John Aprea, recently came back to her life. Mitch doesn’t trust Lucas but he wants to help Felicia find the daughter she and Lucas had. After discovering that Lucas was working with Iris Wheeler, Mac Cory’s estranged daughter, Mitch accepted her offer as photographer, so he could keep an eye out.

Next week, we’ll talk Frames. Until then, I leave you with one of my favorite Rat Pack sayings:

“We feel sorry for people who don’t drink, because when you wake up that’s as good as you’re gonna feel for the rest of the day!”

Current Mood:

bouncy

Current Music: "You're Just In Love," Kay Starr

Thu, Jun. 16th, 2005, 04:14 pm
Therapy, Dixies, and Hudsons

Therapy, Dixies, and Hudsons

Oh my Lord! The two most self righteous and sanctimonious powerhouses of GH, Sonny and Emily, onscreen at the very same time? Talking to each other? Intense delivery to intense stare? They should have warned us! The TV might explode. Shut down your electric appliances and equipment, lest it happen again and a fuse blows! Here’s a real shock: Emily doesn’t annoy me when she’s talking to Michael. Maybe because they’re on the same emotional level?

I must apologize for the lateness of the column; I mentioned before that I am in school, and my classes are five weeks long which can mean a lot of papers due all at once and little sleep. My classes will be spaced apart more now so I won’t run behind so I won’t be as behind ever again. Last night, I had my very own soap-a-thon and pretty much caught up with GH, and am completely caught up with AMC.

For the first time in, what, a year now, I don’t want Lorenzo with Carly. But, I do want him on the show, so if he must be with Carly, I shall adapt. How about when Carly first answered Lorenzo’s counter-proposal? “With all my heart, yes!” She should have added, “Well, except for the 96.5 percent that belongs to Sonny, but other than that, I’m yours. Can I go see Sonny now?”

Sam is not annoying me anymore! And no, I didn’t watch Dancing with the Stars. I accidentally stopped fast forwarding long enough to hear her scene with Reese, and I liked what she said and how she said it. I disagree about the therapy thing but that’s only because I know that this therapist ain’t right. I don’t disagree in a Sonny type denial way. Michael needs therapy, all right. Michael needs a team of therapists working around the clock, on call, with little pagers that go off whenever he eavesdrops. At least he’s learning to walk away, though! That’s sorta healthy.

Back to Sam – she said it right on when she told Jason in ten or twenty years Michael could be picking people off with a rifle. Let’s not kid ourselves, Sonny and Carly. But I’m confused, why did that little girl from The Bad Seed come to be Michael’s friend? Is Michael going to drown her? Poor little kid. She’s a cutie, and she didn’t ask to get cast as a rather spooky child. Is Michael dreaming her? Did he kill her with a pillow too? Don’t tell me – she’s a ghost that comes with the house, right?

OK, I admit it. Don’t laugh. They’re kinda getting to mewith this Reese’s Mysterious Past thing. But, I don’t understand why Reese would survive with plastic surgery, live a quasi-normal life, be a lawyer, have a son, lose a son, join the FBI, and then come to Port Charles…to get revenge on Carly. Does not compute! By the way, AW fans may remember Kevin McClatchy, who is playing Evan, as one of the Nick Hudsons in AW’s later years.

I also admit that I didn’t totally mind that scene where Sonny asked Ric to “stay with Reese” while he took Michael home. Tight black shirted Ric to save the day! I know I’m supposed to be angrily against these ploy plot twists, but I’m only human, ya know? That’s why I keep crying at the Maxie storyline, and I really like her scenes with Diego. I apologize for spelling Kirsten Storms name “Kirstin” last week. Won’t happen again, KS! As Kim Possible would say, you continue to rock, in stereo. And I know that the Felicia fans want Kristina Wagner back, but I just love my Sandra Ferguson! Love her, love her, love her! I think she’s doing great, considering what she walked into!

But, back to tight shirted super sexy Ric… I don’t know about New York State law, but in Pennsylvania, at the time of my divorce, I had to wait one year because my divorce was a no-fault divorce. Well, actually, that’s debatable, but that is what it is called legally when there is no specific reason other than irreconcilable differences, and there is no property. The no-fault divorce legal separation period at the time was one year. Perhaps this would not be a no-fault divorce because there are children involved. But, believe me, if I could wait a year for a divorce, then so can they. Why are they acting as if they must be divorced immediately? Oh, that’s right. A lame plot point.

As for this Luke/Tracy/Coleman/Skye thing… well, I am probably one of the few, but I don’t like it. I think they are taking something with fabulous potential, and the occasional gem, such as the Alice discourse, and ruining it with lame plot twists and by having yet another set of characters saying the saaaaame thing over and over. Damn, Skye, what in the hell has happened to you? Wake up girl, wake up! Snap out of it! Be real Skye again, we miss her!

The broke-ness of Lucky and Elizabeth – I’m just so tired of everyone on soaps always having money that I feel it is refreshing to see some people who are broke. What is questionable is why it is these two particular characters that are broke. I know nurses get paid well, but how much do student nurses make? Isn’t Liz’s family like the Royal Family of PC Medicine? She’s gotta have, like, a trust fund or something. And as for Lucky, I’m no Spencer expert, but I know they’re not hurting either. What cops make varies I think, depending on the state and the city, but maybe he’s broke because he was suspended without pay?

This week on Saving Ryan’s Privates… Greenlee called me up the other day, and told me it was all my fault that Kendall found out about Ryan’s vasectomy, and that Ryan even had the vasectomy in the first place. She also blamed me for Leo’s death, Babe coming to town, and the extremely hot weather we had in Pennsylvania for the past few days. I told her she was an annoying, self serving, bogus, shrew of a creature and that I blamed her for my complete lack of interest in anything having to do with her life. She began talking about her perfect husband and their perfect marriage, and I hysterically laughed as I hung up on her.

When is Greenlee going to wake up and smell the freshly brewed coffee? And Jackson goes over in her best interest and ends up apologizing to Ryan? Why in the hell should he have to apologize for loving his daughter? Ryan to Jackson: “…I will be out of here and I will never come back.” Evie to Ryan: “Good. Bye!”

Does Greenlee blame Ryan for any of her problems? Nooooo. She blames Kendall. Does Ryan blame himself for anything? Nooooo. He blames Kendall. Kendall is being way too easy on both of them. “I deserve what you’re dishing out,” she said to Greenlee. Um… no, Kendall, you don’t.

Kick ‘em both out of your life and focus on your new husband. Kendall and Zach!! Kendall and Zach!! Kendall and Zach!! Hey, what’s their Internet name? Zendall? Krach? This story is only going to get better, especially when they fall in love for real, which I’m sure will be after they’re divorced. What are our thoughts on Ethan these days? I’m not thinking much about him. You know, when I returned to Pine Valley, and Bianca was in a coma, I thought Ethan was so sweet to Kendall. Too bad they had to ruin him.

So, who’s loving the Dixie story, or are we still calling her Di? It’s just about the only story I’m especially into at the moment I think Cady McLain left around the time I started watching AMC the first time, and I only saw her in one of the Soap Net repeat episodes. There was something freaky going on with her and David, something about broken glass and passing out, and I decided to sit that one out. So since I essentially have no one to compare her to, I think Kelly Giddish is doing a compelling job.

I always liked her, even when she was in jail with stupid Krystle. I’m disturbed, given my admiration for Michael E. Knight, as to why Tad is now annoying me. I just want people to tell him to shut up. I wanted Di to smack him when he grabbed her arm like that. Who’s he think he is – Ryan?

What the hell was Maria wearing the other day? A necklace with a piece of cloth to cover her chest, and she hugged her son in it? “Awww, Mom, now I need therapy, you’ve ruined everything again!” But I like Sam, and I was glad to see a scene with them talking calmly to each other. I am so glad he finally frickin told Maria that the root of their problem was her being gone for five years. John Callahan said on Soap Talk that Eva LaRue is actually more of a comedic actress, but once they found out she could cry, she had to cry in every scene. I’m so used to seeing her cry that I can’t imagine her being funny. The only other thing I’ve seen her in was a drama where she played Annette Funicelllo.

This week in Bay City History Class, we’ll discuss the Love/Hudson family. A quick overview of the key onscreen players now, and in a future column, I’ll tell you a more thorough story of the family. The least of it is this: Rich Donna Love had an all powerful, perfectly evil father named Reginald Love. When Reg found out teenage Donna was pregnant by the stable boy, Michael Hudson, he ran Michael out of town.

Years later, Michael, now rich himself, returned to Bay City.

I’m fuzzy on some of this because this all happened just before I started watching, Michael discovered he had a daughter, Marley. Marley was told she was Reggie’s daughter and that Donna was her sister. Identical twin Vicky came to town with childhood friend Jake McKinnon, and her guardian, kindly, loving, motherly, proper Irish lady Bridget Connell, to whom Reggie had given Vicky at birth. Donna never even knew about her. Vicky arrived right in time to save Marley, who needed a (say it with me) bone marrow transplant.

So, here’s where it gets complicated. Jake and Vicky were involved when they got to Bay City, but Jake fell in love with Marley, which made Vicky double resentful. Not only did Marley get to lead a privileged life while she grew up poor, but this girl with her face was now stealing her boyfriend without even trying.

So let’s forward to modern day (1989) Bay City: Marley (played by Anne Heche, who of course also plays Vicky) has just discovered that the child that Jake was trying to adopt for them was Steven – and that there was a possibility that Jake was Steven’s father. I’m glad Jake reminded me of this the other day, because I can’t remember this, but Jake and Vicky had a drunken night together when she was depressed over Jamie being with the stupid and annoying Lisa Grady, and Jake was upset over a potential break up with Marley. Think back to Friends and “…we were on a break!”

So even though she knew there was a possibility that Jake was the father, she was in love with Jamie and simply put it out of her head, or to be dealt with later. Later to Vicky means “never.” But Jake suspected and of course it all came out, destroying both Vicky’s marriage to Jamie and Jake’s marriage to Marley. And possibly Donna’s marriage to Michael.

Michael broke up with Donna, because, if you haven’t noticed… well, let’s just say that Donna is a gifted storyteller. She lies a LOT. Michael caught her once in a lie regarding her feelings for his brother, John Hudson, and she lost him over it. They reconciled, and the fact that she knew about Vicky and Jake and did not tell him, when it was painfully obvious to him that there was something going on, well, he’s fed up.

More on the Hudson family tree in a future column. My favorite Hudson is the unofficially Hudson, Bridget, who was played by Barbara Berjer. I was distressed to find out that she passed away in 2002. She had been on AMC back in 1983 as Adam’s secretary, and also was on a Law and Order episode. She was fabulous as Bridget, the omnipresent loving woman who constantly provides loving reassurances to “Victoria,” and puts up with her schemes because she loves her. Once when Wally and Cass had to do some sneaking around in the Love mansion, Wally cracked, “I love Bridget, but how many times can you say no to ‘a nice cup of tea’?”

By the way, Anne Heche, who plays Vicky and Marley, wrote an incredible autobiography called Call Me Crazy. She must be an amazingly strong person to have survived what she went through. I highly recommend that you race to Barnes and Noble and buy a copy. Twelve dollars in paperback, plus the discount if you’re a member. Are any Barnes and Noble managers listening to me? Evie needs gift cards!

I’ll end this week with a favorite review by Statler and Waldorf, after a performance of Mahnah Mahnah on The Muppet Show. They could actually be watching GH…

“That was wonderful!”

“Bravo!”

“I loved that!”

“That was great!”

“Well it was pretty good…”

“Well, it wasn’t bad…”

“There were parts of it that weren’t very good though…”

“It could have been a lot better.”

“I didn’t really like it…”

“It was pretty terrible…”

“It was bad!”

“It was awful!

“I hated it!”

“Booooo!”

“Take ‘em away!”

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